August 15, 2008
Filed Under (HUH?) by svana

It’s funny how life works out sometimes.

I moved around a fair bit when I was younger, instead of being an army brat with all the glamorous locations like Germany or France…I was an Oil Patch kid…moving from one small oil town to another and usually there was a pump jack featured predominately in the town somewhere as a decoration.

It still makes my teeth clench.

Very recently, a person made contact with me via my Mom, way out of the blue. A blast from the distant past…from about 20 odd years ago. Wow do I feel old now!! The worst part about that thought is that I am in my 30’s.

While most people are delighted to reacquaint themselves with people they once knew, I am not sure how to feel about this particular contact.

I am conflicted…I’ve always wanted to say that ;).

I would like to believe that this is a genuine and thoughtful interest in where I am now, but my warning bells are going off like mad. I’d like to be flattered by the effusive and seemingly sincere email that was forwarded to me, but this is not reflective of the person I remember from my teens. I know, I know, people grow up and change…hopefully for the better. Life forges us to be more than the sum of our thoughtless actions and responses as teenagers BUT…

There’s always a BUT…

At the time I knew this person, life was particularly difficult. She could be the most generous person in the world, but in the same breath be miserable and cruel. I’ve been reviewing this over and over in my head for the past few days, trying to see where I’m being unreasonable or unforgiving. The real issue is dealing with all too human and fallible memories of a time long since passed. I have come to the conclusion that there is nothing to forgive.

In this email she, and others that knew me, were desperately seeking me as once upon a time we were very good friends. Yes, we were friends. Were we “very good friends”…I honestly don’t know. Was that my fault….to a point, certainly. I was not in a position to trust anyone….or myself for that matter. Did we hurt each other, take each other for granted, and all the nasty stuff that teens do to their “friends”….of course we did. My teen years were difficult, and really growing up in small town after small town didn’t give me the perspective that I was memorable.

Does her appearance mean I have unfinished business in a small town somewhere 20 years ago…or do I need to dig deep and figure out why this unexpected link to a time long passed and gone is nagging at me. To a degree, morbid curiosity has gotten under my skin…could someone really be that interested in finding out where and who I am after all that time? More so, why? Why? Why?

Could it be that I am a cold heartless bitch who really doesn’t care those people so far in the past, or just some of them? I’d like to believe that even I’m not that cold. To be perfectly honest, I don’t spend time looking into the past, and reliving the “good old days”. I have not given any of these people more than a cursory thought in 20 years, and certainly have not tried finding any of them, with exception of one or two. More to the point…I have not felt compelled to. I cherish my memories, but I don’t live in them.

That thought makes me sad…really. Perhaps I am that cold bitch and I need to rethink how I value people. I’d fully believe it too, if I were not so damn suspicious of this event. I will continue to heft the 20 foot pointy stick via email and see just what is going on here, and rest assured…the pointy end is not facing me.

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