October 17, 2008
Filed Under (HUH?, The Happy Sad Things) by svana

Lately, I haven’t been feeling much like myself.

I love Autumn. The riotous explosion of colour before a long sleep. Watching the birds shift to winter plumage, or shift south, as some are want to do.

Usually, the crisp smell of the seasons change from Summer to Autumn is a welcome one. Lately, it makes me sad. To set the record straight…I don’t suffer from depression, it’s not in my nature. Yet, I feel something inside me is shifting and moving…almost like it has a mind of it’s own. I feel a change coming, but is it inside me or is it something more?

I read the news and mourn the death of kindness, compassion and basic decency. I wonder if we…if humans actually have the intelligence to survive. I’m really starting to look at my fellow man with concern. I am not a paragon of virtue by any means, but I do hold myself accountable for my actions and the outcome of those actions. I read the news and long for a simpler time when we were not so inundated by all the horror and fear. The constant availability of worldwide news worthy events is like a 16 car pile-up…you know you should look away, but morbid fascination keeps your eyes glued to the potential for blood and carnage.

I’m starting to believe we need to be horrified to feel alive. That thought alone disturbs and saddens me.

The only thing I can do to combat that horrible ache inside is to immerse myself in my loved ones. To laugh, debate, share, play, cry and generally be.

So, I may not be here as much until the ache goes away…until my hug bank is filled, until my happy meter is set to medium, rather than low, until I’ve read a couple more really good books….until I spend a little more time being.

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