May 03, 2009
Filed Under (HUH?, You are really pissing me off) by svana

Last I heard, it was considered impolite to eavesdrop. Largely because you will hear things that are not intended for your ears or things that do not involve you. Simply put….don’t be a nosey bugger! This particular issue arises because a co-worker of mine stood outside my office door and listened to a telephone conversation. In and of itself, not a bad thing, as I was not gossipping about my fellow office mates but rather it involved a personal topic of spirituality. I work across the hall from some rather devout Baptists…and when their erstwhile leader hears me discussing topics of unconventional spirituality…it becomes a top priority to “save my immortal soul”.

Sheesh!

I believe that unless you work at an organization that is religious in nature, you should not be bringing religion into the work place. Unfortunately, my neighbours do not subscribe to this belief. I can handle the Monday morning prayer meetings that are loudly punctuated with “GOD Bless!!”, I can handle the bible study group in the wee hours of the morning because they usually do not bleed into my day-to-day operations. More importantly, this is someone else’s belief, and I just don’t get involved.

Last month, this lovely neighbour of mine pops into my office, plunks his butt into a chair and says,”I really respect your insight and opinions…but…I need to know: Do you believe in Christ?”

Now, how the hell am I supposed to field this one without offending this individual? We have had some spirited debates on the Baptist faith, goodness, on all of them really. I keep walking away with a win tucked under my belt because I can respect his faith without believing in it, and maintaining my spiritual anonymity. Unfortunately, when faced with a direct question like this, it makes me think he’s caught on.

Damn.

I did answer him, but not exactly to his satisfaction. Tough cookies! When you ask a question like that, you may not get the answer you are angling for. I appreciate his deeply personal relationship with Christ, and I’m darn glad he’s got that relationship. However…I do not have to have the same type of relationship. I think he’s trying just a bit too hard to convert me…and I’m starting to lose my patience with this dance.

Later that week, whom should I find outside my mostly closed office door whilst on the phone? Barry, The Suited Baptist Crusader…Here to save my immortal soul!! Cue superhero music…

No, his name isn’t Barry, but Barry the Baptist has a nice ring to it…at least I think so.

Barry recruited one of his like-minded Minion’s to invite me to a Bible study group. It was very hard not to laugh, but I held it together. I politely declined based on my busy home life. About thirty minutes after Minion 1 left, Minion 2 arrived, and invited me to the same Bible study group. Jumpin’ Jesu on a Pogo stick…would it never end !? Again, more firmly, I politely declined. I guess Barry caught wind of the Minions’ failure to herd me on to the “righteous path”, and decided to pay me a visit himself…again.

Suffice it to say, Barry the Baptist left my office somewhat disappointed with my apparent disregard for my immortal soul. Read: Sorry dude, no double points for recruitment/conversion for you this month. When faced with the unyielding fact that I have my own firmly rooted belief structure, my own faith in the divine, my own deeply personal relationship with the Universe, I think I may have only made a more attractive target for his crusade on my soul.

Well…bugger that for a bunch of bananas!

Which leads me to the title of this particular entry…Christianity 101.

My delightfully twisted husband saw an announcement board in front of a church today offering free Wednesday night classes on Christianity. With an evil cackle he suggested that I sign up, and that he’d attend with a video camera to catch it all on tape. I didn’t miss a beat…”Honey, after the first 20 minutes those folks would kick me out because they would not have the answers to any of my questions.”

Lets just touch on what it means to be a Christian really fast…in ten easy points.

Don’t: cheat,steal,covet, kill, lie, work on the sabbath, worship anybody else but me, don’t you even think of carving an image of me…and trust me, you had better not use a swear word with my name in it!!

OK, I’m already screwed here…I’ve lied, failed to keep the sabbath holy, and killed. I have to kill to eat, and believe it…animals do have feelings. I have lied, we all have, and those of you who sit back with your smug, sanctimonious faces and proclaim that you have never lied…I call bullshit. Finally, I work every day, that’s what Moms do.

Do: Honour your parents.

Still screwed.

What comes to mind is the division that exists within Christianity. Old Testament versus New Testament. Oh no, we don’t even read the Old Testament, God was grumpy then! We read the New Testament, more people friendly. It’s better public relations for Christianity. God is much nicer because he fathered a bastard. OK, before you crucify me here…all puns intended…God sounds very contrary in the Bible.

I don’t have a problem with God or Christ, quite the opposite actually. I have a problem with organized religions that only chose to obey a specific, self serving selection of what is supposed to be “THE book”. What I find doubly interesting is this, Barry the Baptist has not read the whole bible…whereas I have. Yet, somehow his Cole’s notes version of the Bible makes him Holier-than-I. I should buy him a copy of “The Bible for Dummies”.


One Response to “Christianity 101”

  1. EB :) Says:

    OMG! I am rolling on my dirty office floor laffing my ass off.
    I have huge issues with many organized religions & I too keep my (& my family) beliefs & faiths VERY private, except for the few that can hear it without wanting to burn me at the stake.
    I would love to have been a fly on the wall for this recruitment drive.
    Thinking of you often
    XXOO
    Lizzie :)

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